Not too soon or too late, I know that my time is not much anymore.
Few months ago, someone left me for no reason, no goodbyes, no excuses, he just left..
I lost many things in a very short time.
My childhood house.
My unborn baby.
My memory of the person who left me. (my psychiatrists say it’s my will to do so, the “wipe-away memory” therapy)
And mostly, my belief.
Two whole months I spent mourning for myself and my baby, sort of thing like, why life could be so mean to me, what did I do wrong?
All my saved-up money spent on the psychology sessions that seems endless.
Some weeks later I suffered from a traffic accident. I hit my head on the road but still okay cause I didn’t drive so fast. But when my CT scan discovered I had a small tumor inside my brain, the whole world collapsed right in front of my eyes.
While I was shocked, I cannot control myself from chronic depression consequences. I hurt myself so many times unconsciously while sleeping. I cannot eat any meal properly without tears and my stomachache got worse until I was not able to endure anymore.
The last thing I remembered, was the day I woke up in a local hospital, with my childhood friend nearby and asked me what had happened.
As usual, I have suffered from terrible headache few times in a year, but I hadn’t thought I would have something that kills me inside out. The doctor said maybe it’s my depression triggered the tumor to grow faster and be recognized in CT scan..
Nevertheless, I learned to accept like it’s a part of me, a “partner” – “room-mate” that will continue with me in my life road ahead.
I keep the secret from my family and friends, they shouldn’t know or treat me like a patient. And luckily I still have time, as the tumor is still small and haven’t affected my abilities. I am trying to live in a better mood, better way, better hobbies including photography, design and writings. The thing is I am blessed to be covered by the people who make me laugh and smile and trust in myself again.
I came up with “Come away with me” – Norah Jones, it somehow describes my endless waiting, my deeply emptiness, hopeless love. There’s only a slight of hope inside of me, that everything will turn out well in the end. My baby will be conceived, I can have some years with him/her and our lives will go on as it always be.
“Life is a journey, not a destination”
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song
Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you